What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

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I don,t even have a pension.

All the time i was locked up.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Why do men like to have sex with a woman's ass?

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

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He resisted the act ,that day.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

On the 31st of Jan this month .

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I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

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Put me off passion for life!!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I couldn’t, believe it.

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So, i spoilt her more .

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

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So whats the point in blame.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Especially a lifetime of it.

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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

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(And it was in our own minds.)

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

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Comes on , in middle age.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

She found it foreign!.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

My life is so biszare .

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I will be 64.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Ive learnt so much.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I was seconnd youngest,

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

She wouldn,t have been !

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Was to survive, this bastard.

She loved him until the end.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

This is how, and why children get BPD.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

When she asked me how she looked .

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

My family never makes their pension either.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

I was 9 years of age.

Would this be the day?

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

But, we were locked up after school.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

But it wasn’t much.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

She was in good health!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

We were not on the streets..

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

One cannot live in the past .

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I could never make a relationship work though!

I said to her

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

This is soul school!.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

But ive been too sick for many years..

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I think the readers, may guess!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I have no regrets .

What did i know ?

And i lived it daily.

I was very sick at this time too.

I waited trembling.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

I was scared of men, in general

As i do to all so called friends.?

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Im still living with it.

I never cut or harmed myself..

He knew the spot.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Why did i forgive my father ?

Who then, do I blame.?

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I know ,a lot about trauma.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

She married twice! .

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

We all went to grammer schools

It was going to be , some day.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I write beautiful poetry .

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them